Could My Divorce Have Been Prevented?

That what's the courtship model was supposed to achieve.

Fifteen years ago, a sensitive, romantic young man knelt in front of me. Parents, siblings, and grandparents surrounded us for the public announcement that we were courting. A month of private prayer and conversation had been going on to determine whether or not my father would give his permission for courtship, and I had also been praying. I was shocked by the presentation of jewelry and roses and the kneeling just for the formal courtship, and I worried that he would ask me to marry him. I had felt ready to begin courting, but not sure that I wanted to marry him yet.

The gist of the courtship is that a man will ask a woman’s father/parents for permission to begin a relationship with the intention of marriage. It is intended to be serious, with a lot of questions and little to no physical contact. Roman followed the due process, and we proceeded to have a six-month-long courtship, longer than any of his sibling's previous courtships and kind of long for our homeschooling circles.

Roman and I, engagement picture shoot

The purpose of courtship was to prevent serial dating and teen pregnancy (more on that later) and have the outcome of long-term relationship success. You were supposed to keep your emotions at bay until you were engaged, and by keeping physical affection to a minimum, you could prevent sex outside of marriage. The intense questioning was supposed to uncover any potential compatibility issues while having parents involved would ensure that they could prevent anything terrible from happening.

This is just a short list of the resources that my parents and community were drawing on to create their ideas for the process and goals of courtship.

~What He Must be if he Wants to Marry my Daughter by Voddie Baucham Jr.

~Her Hand in Marriage: Biblical Courtship in a Modern World by Doug Wilson

~I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris

~Passion and Purity: Bringing Your Love Life Under God’s Control by Elisabeth Elliot

~Fiction books: The Courtship of Sarah McLean, Waiting for Her Isaac, and others in the series. This review captures the ideal of courtship: “The courtship part was delightful but simple. It didn't focus much on emotions or feelings but on learning about each other as a potential spouse. This, of course, was exactly what I wanted. The authors did show the reader that Beth had been thinking a lot about her future husband's family, and she blushed when her parents told her he wanted to court her, but it was only on a level that reminded teenager-me that it was ok to be attracted to someone and a positive way to handle it. While someone looking for a traditional romance story will find Beth's future husband not very romantic, that was not the book's point. The point was to present a positive courtship example and not arouse the easily-awakened fantasies of girls.” found on Goodreads.

These books, in theory, are supposed to lay the foundation for a long-lasting and healthy marriage. However, they did not teach me about a healthy approach to sex and how to care for my body as it relates to pregnancy and recovery. There was no teaching on emotional intelligence, self-awareness in communication, or knowledge of long-term economic health. Sure, I could cook, clean, and balance a checkbook, and Roman could get jobs with other “Christian” men for whom a hard worker was the only necessary quality to have the job. But that did not mean we were prepared for marriage.

Roman and I were (sometimes still are) people-pleasers. Our courtship, engagement, and even the early years of our marriage were about making our parents, our church, and other people happy with us. And we did not dislike each other. We held many values in common, including empathy, which caused him to be an EMT and me to be a CNA.

Photo by Marcelo Leal on Unsplash

However, chronic people pleasers can only bend so far before they break or disappear. And we broke.

There is a lot more to this story, but I think the problem with our courtship, in particular, was the way that we set out to make everyone else happy and proud. Maybe, if specific other issues had not come into the picture in more recent years, Roman and I could still be married. We care about each other, but the entangled religious trauma we endured was not the foundation for a healthy marriage. This is not a story of Roman abusing me or of me not being a good enough wife. The story is one of two broken, spiritually manipulated people who tried their best.

Right now, their best is to be divorced. To faithfully and amicably co-parent. And to do what we were never allowed to do as young adults: figure out who we are, want to be, and who God made us to be.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

For the Ears

Here are a couple of podcasts that might give you some insight both into purity culture and the recovery from it.

Why America is Scared of Single Women

For the Eyes

For the past ten years, I have been doing the work of examining and taking apart the religious systems I was taught. Several books have been part of that journey.

The Making of Biblical Womanhood by Beth Allison Barr

Recovering From Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by Aimee Byrd

The Blue Parakeet: Rethinking How You Read the Bible by Scot McKnight

Post Traumatic Church Syndrome by Reba Riley

These are just a few of the books that have been a part of this journey.

For the Taste Buds

Recently, I got my four-year-old daughter a cocoa from a coffee shop. These places always offered whipped cream with sprinkles, and the delight she had when receiving the cup was magical. I am trying to remember to take similar joy in the small things, such as bacon and eggs, a piece of chocolate, and other things.

May this week bring goodness to your senses and your soul.