I have made exactly one quilt in my life. It is not very big, lap-size, with fabrics I chose, and in my teen years, I had ample time in my life as well as access to my mother’s impressive craft collection. (That collection has only expanded since most of her children moved out.)
Some lives are put together in an orderly pattern. Plans are made and more or less followed. It is a privilege to be able to create a life that way. In my teens and even in my early twenties I did set out to follow a particular pattern for my life. Had it stayed on track it may have resembled a beautifully planned and coordinated quilt.
Instead, my life is more like a crazy quilt, in which I piece together parts of odd shapes, materials, and sizes.
The seams of my life are visible, not intricately stitched and hidden. I piece together jobs around motherhood. I write these articles and others in the pickup line, late at night, early in the morning. My days are often a mix of assigned work, household chores, and appointments.
My values and ideals have been challenged and shifted from what I valued as a teen. At that point I planned to do the “godly” thing: get married, have kids, homeschool them, and be a supportive wife to my husband’s vision. Why was this the plan? Because I was told so, and that it was the best way to live as a “Christian” woman. Now my parents argue that they never said it was the only way to be a Christian. That conversation has never gone well for me.
In July of 2023, I opened a rather curt and unceremonious email announcing my divorce's finalization. After 13 years I would now check a different box on all official forms. The finality of it all was depressingly insignificant. A marriage starts with so much ceremony and hope. Even a death has more marked attention. But a divorce, particularly when both parties have been amicable in arranging things, just is.
I never wanted that to be part of my life. The whole experience breaks my heart in ways I still cannot explain. An amicable divorce has different challenges than a more contentious divorce. We are doing our best to provide healthy co-parenting to our four children. But this was never what I planned, and so much of my life feels like a project that needs to be scrapped.
Looking at the scaps, and trying to piece them together into something new is hard. In a season where so many people are advocating for goals, plans, etc, I feel like I am barely managing what is necessary. Trying to fit into some other plan doesn’t work, be it Christian or societal in origin. That’s why there is no perfect planner because I cannot make my life fit into the orderly boxes that someone else has decided must be part of life. Every planner I use has limitations and, therefore is a repository of information rather than a way to make my life “more organized.” Planners, calendars, and notebooks act as physical extensions of my brain, in a vague attempt to fit into the guidelines proposed by the world.
I have heard that it takes approx. 18 months to recover from a major life event; a marriage, a birth, a move, divorce, or death. Processing the new normal takes time, and so much of the last decade and a half has been filled with major life events, on both a personal and global scale. I think I am still recovering from a few.
Here’s the thing about a crazy quilt. It still serves the purpose of keeping warm, and while it may not have the perfectly pleasing pattern of other quilts, it has its beauty. Plus there is often the added benefit of using that which would otherwise be thrown away. Maybe my life seems to be chaotic and crazy, but still hope that it can be a beautiful and useful in the end.
For the Ears
There are certain types of music that lend themselves to the meditative spirit that I find myself in January. This new release from Beautiful Chorus fits the bill.
For the eyes
The repercussions of Jan 6, 2021, are far from over. The truth of it will probably be more revealed with time.
For the Taste Buds
Since giving all my children cookbooks for Christmas we have a burst of inspiration when cooking. An elaborately roasted turkey for New Year’s Day, simple banana chips, and plans for a Star Wars-themed menu are underway. However, I cannot seem to convince anyone that salad is delicious.
Anyone else trying new recipes out there?
May this week bring love to your senses and your soul.
This is really beautiful, Caitlin.
I hope you find peace and purpose in your next phase in life post-divorce.. I’d argue major events like that are irrecoverable, but we manage them in our different ways.. sometimes we compartmentalize, or fragment, or ignore, or maybe dwell on them..
Humans are amazing at finding norms beyond their losses..