Let's chat about teens

The "Rebellious" Phase

As of August 4th, I have a teenager, which means I have been a mother for over thirteen years (womb time counts). My feelings about the teen stage are mixed. Growing up in homeschool circles, I was told that maturity was desirable and that I needed to stand out from the crowd of typical teens. So, I did everything I could to avoid being perceived as a teen. I conversed with adults about “deep” topics if I was allowed to speak at all. I did not start shaving my legs and wearing makeup until I was seventeen because I was under the impression that it was shallow and vain to do so. I did not get my driver’s license till nineteen since my father insisted on being the one to teach me. Since he worked multiple jobs, there was not a lot of extra time devoted to my driving education.

The mama bear in me is always ready to jump to her kids defense. Photo by Daniel Cabanas on Unsplash

My daughter, Saoirse, (who will not be thirteen for another year), has promised to be the “most teenagery teen ever.” She is already making good on that in her desire to follow trends (what she wouldn’t give for a Stanley water bottle), love of Starbucks, and skilled eye rolls. My teenage son, Ethan, has shaggy curls that make my mother roll her eyes and a general desire to be a tech zombie all day long. They talk back to me, whine, sigh, and complain in ways that would have gotten me in deep trouble if I had done the same as a teen. I would have been shamed and guilted into the idea that such behavior was dishonoring to my father and mother and, by extension, dishonoring to God. Some of my sisters were less goody-two-shoes than myself, and I saw the way they were treated. I figured if I never showed any signs of rebellion, then I would be safe from the judgemental standards of my parents and their beliefs about God.

Not being a rebellious teen saved me a great deal of trouble in my teen years. It has not however, served me in the long term. I learned to suppress my emotions rather than regulate them. My “maturity” was the gold star comment of many adults. My “confidence” was praised, and all the while, I became a deeply insecure people pleaser. The positive result of this upbringing is a self-motivated work ethic, willingness to go the extra mile, and desire to make others happy. The negative result was a cruel inner critic, an inability to say “no” when necessary, and no self-awareness.

With the help of my therapist, I have spent years working through the lack of “rebellion” I had as a teen, figuring out whose options actually matter (hint: not others), and learning how to parent differently. As I enter my children’s teen years, I am conscious that this will be the place when it will make all the difference. And I am going to start by avoiding the term “rebellious” if I can.

The standard of my upbringing was to listen to the “authority” of my parents. I am asking my children to value my wisdom. At times, I ask them to trust that I am making a decision that may not make sense to them. They need to remember that I have more information and understanding than they do. Sometimes, I can give them a satisfactory “why”, but other times, they don’t get it.

The working definition of protection with which I was raised was just staying home. Abstinence and avoidance were the ways to protect against all manner of evils. In the past few months, Ethan has taken two road trips with peers and trusted adults, stayed a week at camp, and been doing some construction work with his dad. Leaving and returning in shorter stints helps him learn confidence in the world. Saoirse has done some small babysitting jobs and also went to camp. She and I have also had many conversations about social media safety and limits on phone calls with friends.

All of my children test my patience in parenting, pestering me with requests I cannot grant, annoying the shit out of their siblings, and having emotional breakdowns late at night. I do not perceive any of this as rebellion. They are growing physically and emotionally, and they don’t need me to be a critic with high expectations. Both Ethan and Saoirse face different insecurities and challenges, and I want to be the safe place they can land when hurt and failure occur.

Over the past months, other adults have told me what a pleasure it is to have my children around. Saoirse is kind, generous, and helpful to young and old alike and is everybody's hype girl. Ethan is an interesting kid to have a conversation with and will work hard when pointed in the right direction (ADHD is a real challenge, but when he is focused, he works hard). They are maturing in ways that I did not learn until well into my twenties.

Forbidden fruit is the ultimate story of rebellion. I would not have to dig far to find many a pastor's sermon linking Eve’s story to sinful nature and why children are to obey their parents. In Jewish culture, age 13 is ritually associated with the transition from child to adult, so there is a lot to unpack when it comes to the child-parent dynamic—an unpacking that I will not be handling right now. As a teen, I accepted my parent's rules, that they were made in love and would protect me from the harm of the “forbidden fruit.” While I do not doubt my parents love in this, I do not think it was the wisest way, largely because it only works on personalities such as mine, the natural rule follower, the people pleaser. In addition, it did not adequately prepare me to handle more responsibility with maturity.

Having the ability to converse about the Bible, talk with women about sewing and cooking, and generally appear skilled in the domestic arts did not actually make me mature. It just meant that I had a particular skill set (the tradwife skill set). Maturity involves making mistakes and owning up to them. Maturity is learning to use self-control over habits and desires. Giving my teen and almost-teen space to figure out what they like and dislike, testing the waters of responsibility, and holding space to fall apart is my role as a mature parent.

Photo by KEEM IBARRA on Unsplash

Obviously, I am only beginning to mother my teens. I look around my circles, both online and in person, for advice and encouragement. My children and I will make mistakes. I cannot know exactly what the next few years hold. By the grace of God, I will be able to show all of us grace, and someday, we will look back at their “rebellious phase” with humor and compassion.

For the Ears

My kids all have different vibes when it comes to music, but a parody never fails to keep us all in stitches.

For the Eyes

A few people on the internet whose parenting/teen advice I appreciate.

Re.Masculine

Mary Van Gaffen

And some who are working on healing from authoritarian upbringings:

D. L. Mayfield

Dr. Camden

For the Taste Buds

Ethan requested a red velvet cake that looked like a Lego brick. One of the easiest requests to oblige in recent years.

May this week bring gentleness to your sense and your soul.