My daughter sat down with me as I was crocheting and said, “I am going to work on my knitting.” I raised my eyebrow to indicate she had not used the correct term. She laughed as she grabbed the crochet scarf she was working on and said, “Oh right. I am gonna work on my cursing.” Her brothers and I instantly fell into laughing, and now we call crocheting, cursing.
I recently was told that cursing and swearing are considered advanced language skills and there is actually research that supports this idea.
I grew up in a very clean house, even words like “darn” and “gosh” being off limits. I heard about “the f-word” in Sunday School, and even then it was just “the f-word.” Context clues informed me that “the f-word” was the ultimate bad word. My parents blacked out swear words in books, just like they covered anatomy in science textbooks, and nude paintings in art history. That kind of deliberate obfuscation was not helpful to my sexual development, since they kept it up through high school. But this is not about the purity culture of it all.
According to the way I was taught, there are two key bible verses for why swearing is bad. The first comes straight from the 10 commandments, “you shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.” The other is from Ephesians, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (4:29, NIV)
As an adult in the workforce, I now have a robust acquaintance with swear words. Nobody swears quite like nurses, plus the kid’s dad is in the military, construction, and also volunteered in the emergency services for many years. While there are plenty of people in those occupations who don’t swear, it is not completely unavoidable. In my current role of chaplain/spiritual care, people will sometimes apologize for swearing around me. However, I am long past the point of being offended by “shit, damn, motherf-er, etc.” Many swear words have come out of my own mouth. My children know the words, they have been taught the definitions and we are working on appropriate time and place.
I am not offended by people in stressful situations and environments releasing some of their tension with swearing but I do have a long list of other words that I find offensive, mostly racial and sexual slurs. Words that are cruel, belittling, dehumanizing, and the phrase, “I was just joking” will rile my sense of justice. If you are joking be funny, not insulting.
Those verses from the Bible, are not about swearing. They are about how you speak to and of God and people. A swear could never pass your lips, but your words are racist, judgmental, prone to gossip, and narcissistic, you are the one with unwholesome speech. If you can’t say something nice about people you disagree with, maybe it is better to just keep your mouth shut. This does not mean you can’t disagree with people, but you should not belittle others because you disagree with them.
Now if you swear at people we are having a different conversation. Again, this comes down to dehumanizing someone. To cuss them out is unwholesome and unhelpful.
One of my children is more prone to swearing than the rest. This child also struggles with anxiety and has a strong sense of justice. Anger is their go-to response, and swearing is a go-to outlet. As a parent, I don’t like that they have such a robust vocabulary of swear words, but that is the least of the issues. Each of my children has to learn to regulate their emotions, find healthy outlets of expression, and still respect others around them. So I will not be washing their mouths with soap ala A Christmas Story. Nor will I be blacking out swear words in books, or be hyper-sensitive to their presence in movies.
Those can be launching pads into discussions about whether or not such words are wholesome, kind, helpful, or justifiable. And we won’t stop with swear words. No, we will also talk about racist comments, misogynistic ideals, classism, and the importance of using the correct name. Sometimes the correct name is “bitch” or “idiot”. Those who are jerks and bullies need to be correctly identified as such, to stand up to the injustice that they will perpetrate.
I don’t like when my children hurl names in anger, but sometimes I realize that my child is being a jerk to their siblings. Sometimes I am mean to other people. And some situations are hard and frustrating, and we need to say, “It sucks and it’s shitty.” But we don’t stay there. We process, we look for solutions, we admit where we have messed up and we grow. Practicing our cursing gives us skills to handle the hard parts. Then we can practice the blessing of resilience.
For the Ears
Piano is the instrument I turn to for calm. Either playing familiar pieces or listening to the ones I can only ever dream of reaching.
For the Eyes
Abraham Piper’s TikTok is such, because he breaks down idioms and other bits of language, giving history, weird facts, and humor.
My eldest is learning about explorers and ships in school (he has been assigned the role of boatswain in his class). So I watched Master and Commander with him the other day. It is a great way to talk about colonization, class and rank, and a wide array of nautical terminology. Plus, they swear like sailors.
For the Taste Buds
Pinterest led me to an amazing grapefruit poppy seed cake with grapefruit curd. It was amazing, and the best kind of wintery pick-me-up.
May this week bring goodness to your senses and your soul.
Your daughter makes me laugh Caitlin. And I’m thinking all kids are the same. 😂 They are always testing how far they could go.
Well done...
I'm a firm believer that profanity is not truly profane unless it is used in anger. Otherwise, it is just a word. (I recognize others don't feel the same way, and try to adapt given the setting I'm in at the time.)
My kids — and many of my friends — know when I'm truly angry, in part because the traditional "dirty words" aren't used at all. Instead, my language choices become very precise. I don't want others to say, "Oh, he used (that word) to express himself. Can you believe he called me a (that word)?" because it takes the focus away from what I'm trying to convey.
I wrote a little on this in an essay a couple of years ago. (https://glenncook.substack.com/p/words-have-power-and-other-thoughts) Thanks to your very interesting essay, maybe I'll revisit it some time.