I am in the midst of all the puberty changes with my three oldest. Here are some of the things I have learned so far:
Not all boys’ voices crack, sometimes they just slowly descend.
Growth spurts may involve a lot of eating and definitely will include a lot of sleeping.
Boys and girls are emotional.
Mostly, they just need me to listen and wait it out.
It is extremely similar to toddler development, but they are much bigger.
Having a toddler and three children in various stages of puberty is exhausting. I am not naturally a patient person, and children try my reserves of patience all day long. An average school morning involves multiple instructions to put on socks and deodorant, convincing the toddler not to wear pjs, checking that everyone took their meds or wears their glasses, signing a permission slip, and probably forgetting at least one item of my own. No matter how many ways I attempt to streamline the process, the hormonal, neurodivergent brains of my children find new ways to tax my patience.
The toddler only wants mom to buckle her into her car seat, my 4th-grade son gets angry because school is boring and his brother is breathing too loud. My daughter wants to plan a sleepover or listen to Taylor Swift. It’s a lot.
I recently heard that a parent’s main role is to function as a temporary frontal lobe for children. Let me tell you, being the frontal lobe for four extra people is exhausting. Particularly when they are in a phase of exercising their independence and ability to make decisions. It’s not just telling them to be careful in dangerous situations. It’s teaching them how to make good decisions in all kinds of situations.
Mood Management
Thanks to a wonderful occupational therapist, I have a new tool for talking about moods with my kids. This chart is hanging on our fridge and can be used by anyone who needs to communicate their emotional state to me.
My daughter is more adept at verbalizing her emotions than my sons, but all of them need to work on their regulation skills. Finding outlets for anger and sadness that don’t involve whoever makes an offhand comment is still a work in progress. Journaling and drawing, while others need to release their energy more physically, like running around the house or swinging on the swing.
The Talk
The other night we sat at the dinner table and I found myself answering a barrage of questions about sex. Does it hurt? What happens if you need to pee while you are having sex? Do you like sex?
I have had a lot of conversations with my children about sex, consent, their bodies, and periods. The information I share is based on their age, the context of the question, and the question itself. The most straightforward answer is often best. And even though I am divorced, co-parenting has involved a lot of communication whatever each parent is teaching the kids. We are attempting to provide consistency in that regard.
Recently the kid’s father and I discussed dress codes and other clothing expectations and preferences for girls. We both were raised in the heights of purity culture, and his family in particular insisted girls wear dresses all the time. My family was okay with pants on girls, but my father insisted on long hair, and certainly loose-fitting attire. In the course of my son becoming sexually aware and my daughter’s first bra, there are a lot of reasons to discuss what is the wisest way to dress. I don’t have a perfect answer, but I have thought. If I can give my children confidence in who they are and what they love, they can withstand any bullying or rude and unwarranted remarks.
Social Media and Mental Health
Currently, my children have no social media accounts, but they are fully aware of their existence. My oldest three have phones on which I have placed several restrictions and time limits and regularly check-in. I was there for the inception of Instagram and TikTok. I have been navigating the conversations about the impact of social media on mental health since I was 18 and had a Facebook account. (I am too young for MySpace.)
Yet even without my children having actual accounts the pernicious influence still reaches them. Middle school girls have Stanley water mugs and kids do weird things like “mewing” at teachers. Bullying looks far more like making someone feel like they don't; fit in, than like throwing punches and pushing people in the halls. As an adult, I combat the feelings of frustration and inadequacy that social media gives me, and my prefrontal cortex is fully functioning. Part of me monitoring their phones is to have a pulse on their mental health.
Even with safety guards in place, even when they do come and tell me when something is bothering them, even though they do see a counselor, and know that they can ask for help, I cannot read their minds. I don’t always know what to say or how to advise them to handle difficult situations. I can’t even draw fully upon my own experiences at their ages, since I lived in a homeschool bubble with no access to internet or even cable TV.
Schools have active shooter drills. Young adult suicide is at an all-time high. The long-term impacts of COVID-19 are still being felt. My children have the added chaos of parental divorce. Building mental and emotional resilience is another part of this journey of helping the growing brains and bodies of my children. So they go to counselors and therapy, thanks to Medicaid.
In many ways, the physicality of pregnancy, labor, and birth are repeated in parenting. The excitement and trepidation at the beginning of each new stage. The stages of growing and adapting, the exhaustion of feeling ready to burst at the end. Then there is labor, with its phases from early twinges to the impossibility of transition to the ripping apart of your body to move that life to your arms. The diminished yet still relevant pains of after birth, and interminable recovery. At the end of it all, you are not the same as you were. No amount of exercise, diet, surgery, or Botox will return you to your previous state.
You enter new stages, push through the impossible, bask in the glow of each new milestone. And before you can fully recover it’s on to the next stage. Babies to toddlers, toddlers to children, children to teens. On and on it goes. Whatever stage each has an end, maybe not with a due date on the calendar, but an end nonetheless. The intrepid march of time moves on with my ignorance and my children’s idiocy. On the other side, we will be stronger, wiser, and hopefully able to forgive the failures of the past.
For the Ears
This concept album is about the emotional needs of boys and men. The second song, Fun-loving Guy really pulls all my boy mom's strings.
I also loved the song Protector from Beyonce’s new album.
For the Eyes
The Care and Keeping of You and Guy Stuff are two books I have gone through with my preteens. I will be using other books from the same series.
This is one of my favorite Instagram accounts teaching me about emotional health for boys.
For the Taste Buds
Feeding these growing children is all about snacks, cereal, and milk. We go through about 4 gallons a week of milk right now, two loaves of bread, enormous quantities of Cheerios, raisin bran, oatmeal, and at least 2 dozen eggs, between breakfast and baking projects. Plus, apples, bananas, carrot sticks, cheese sticks, and yogurt, are all on my weekly grocery order. That is my staples and comes to about $100 a week. We have not even talked about stuff for dinner (usually ground beef-based) and making sure I have things in the freezer or pantry for cooking. Pasta, potatoes, frozen veggies, canned beans, and other pantry staples.
As for me, a cupboard full of caffeine-based beverages, green and black teas, coffee, and matcha, well that is the fuel of busy parents everywhere.
May this week bring love to your senses and your soul.
The Zones were a lifesaver for us when my oldest was really struggling with sensory issues at around 5yo. We still refer to them -- including the adults, haha -- when we can't communicate clearly. They are truly helpful!