Is motherhood hell?
A random headline from Chappell Roan
News headlines are often used to stir up controversy and attract attention. So when the random headline from Chappell Roan’s feelings about motherhood came up, I was attracted. The snippet of her interview about motherhood was an observation that she made, contrasting her freedom as a single woman to the lives of her peers from high school who are now parents of young children. She said they seem so tired and have no light in their eyes, and that it seems like hell.
She is right.
Parents of young children and older children are tired, and for some of them, it can feel hellish. There is the constant need to monitor everything from the food they eat to the activities they do to the onslaught of screens and social media.
There are doctors and dentists to schedule, parent-teacher conferences to attend, decisions about extracurricular activities to make, and clothes to buy. Parents, particularly mothers, do not have time for themselves. If they want to create art, they have to do it in the margins. If they want to spend money on themselves, they have to calculate within the parameters of the family’s income and expenses.
Chappell also discusses the particular hell that is fame. She does not mince words about the challenges, exhaustion, and anxiety that accompany her chosen life situation. She is also tired.
Not everyone has the talent, time, and connections to become a pop star. And also, not everyone is cut out for parenthood.
When I was a teenager, I wrote a poem for Mother’s Day that I now deeply regret. I was influenced by the allegorical style of writing that I was fed. (The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan was the biggest, but not the only such book I was given to read.) I created four women in this poem: Fame, Career, Mother, and a fourth I can’t remember. Mostly, I glorified “Mother” and wrote scathing indictments of women who pursued anything else. It was a well-written poem, filled with powerful language. It was much praised in my homeschool circles; my mother even framed and hung it up. I don’t think it still is on the wall, but I have not looked that closely at my mother's Hobby Lobby-esque decor to find out.
I regret this poem because it was narrow-minded and judgmental, written without any proper understanding of myself or other women. As I would for many more years, I was trying to be a godly woman, and was taught that the only path towards such a thing is being a wife and mother.
Being a woman can look so many different ways. Some adore motherhood with all the aches and pains it brings. Some don’t want to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Some thrive in the domestic sphere, and others are gifted in intellectual pursuits. Some have the capacity to navigate a complex career path such as medicine, law, or public service, alongside motherhood, while others would become too overwhelmed to manage both. Some women are ambitious, and others are content to support someone else’s ambitions. Occasionally, some women have a supportive partner who is willing to go beyond gender stereotypes and support her gifts, talents, and desires.
Giftings and leanings aside, some people don’t have a choice. They live in systemic poverty or are trapped in abusive relationships. Some are stuck in addictions and generational bad habits. Some are forced into suppressing their gifts because of men’s egos, bad interpretations of the Bible, and a belief that there is historical (read “racial and sexist”) precedent for the oppression of certain people.
The more I learn about myself, the more I realize that motherhood is not for everyone, that homeschooling is not for everyone, and that there are so many good ways to be a mother and a woman. Being a tradwife/mom is not the path to perfection or godliness.
Godly womanhood is not a one-size-fits-all situation. There needs to be discernment, opportunity, and compassion.
I really don’t care whether Chappell Roan thinks motherhood is hell. She’s got some banger hits that I will belt out right alongside my kids in the car. I also don’t care if the tradwives get mad at me for wanting something other than staying at home with my kids. Neither the pop stars nor the politicians get to tell me how to be a woman in the year of our Lord 2025. That is for me to discern in my community and life circumstances, considering my gifts and dreams. Women work hard, and we are tired. What I ask from other people is less judgment and more compassion for all women and the work that they do.
For the Ears
Ah, Christianese. The insider language of church culture. It can be messy, it could be good, it could be bad. Enjoy this fun episode to learn more.
For the Eyes
I highly recommend reading and learning about history from multiple sources before you assume that there was a time in history that was better than today. Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
For the Taste Buds
The other day, I let the kids add things to the grocery order when they asked and afterward, I went through to see what the choices were. There were a lot of spicy noodle bowls, dried mangos, and some of the more sugary cereals that I tend to avoid. Plus some snack packs, a wider variety of yogurt flavors, and popcorn chicken. On the whole, I removed very few items and added some of the pantry staples that they forgot. So some good choices were made, which I count as a win when it comes to parenting these hungry tweens and teens.
May this week bring kindness to your senses and your soul.
So well written! You make so many great points! I enjoy your honesty and well-thought out content.
I was a pastor’s wife in a church system that didn’t make room for women working outside the home. All went well until my marriage blew apart, and I had to return to school to get a second career, work two jobs, and single parent.
I am so grateful for those career years in public education that prepared me for my current business.
My daughter grew up seeing that a woman can excel at both. She now parents 4 children while working virtually and in-person for 2 companies, one of which is mine.
Is she tired? She’s exhausted but modeling what a woman can do for her daughters!
A 👏 MEN! 👏