This month’s interview is from fellow Substacker Samantha McRae. Samantha and I have a lot in common in our journeys of faith. Starting with rules, then learning freedom, and loving our “friends” at the Faith Adjacent podcast. (Internet friends are great, but maybe they don’t always know that we are friends with them.)
A little about Samantha “Sam”.
My name is Sam. I write things because that is what I am called to do. I am on a journey of discernment in my faith, learning to be a writer without fear, and love connecting with others. I write about faith, mental health, and the human experience as I understand it. You can find me on Substack publication I Have Thoughts, or on IG @_samwritesthings
Tell a little about your experience of faith/religion as a child.
I grew up going to the tiniest Presbyterian church with family and friends. My parents had a relationship with God but didn't really attend church. We always prayed and talked about Jesus, but growing up, it wasn't something that was consistent in our lives. I remember feeling God differently, though, as I got older, and when I began asking questions, I realized my understanding of God was based on my experiences, not formal indoctrination.
What prompted you to change your perspective?
When I was in my early 20s I was married to my first husband whose family was deeply evangelical. I began to question whether or not my faith was actually "the right way" and honestly worried for a while that I had completely deceived myself where my faith was concerned. But then I started asking God hard questions, and the answers I found felt so true and real for me, I knew God was answering them alongside me. This meant I was finding ways to articulate parts of faith and Christianity that had always felt right to me but didn't always align with what the church said. I figured if I was talking to God directly about it, and I came up with something different than the traditional "teaching", I should probably follow what God was saying to me personally. Faith is a living, breathing, ever-growing lifeform, and I didn't want to stifle it.
Faith is a living, breathing, ever-growing lifeform, and I didn't want to stifle it.
What was the scariest/hardest part about deconstruction?
At first, it was the honest fear that because I wasn't following the dogma prescribed by the church. I felt that I was wrong and going against what God really said was true. There was a true fear of going to hell. Then, when I began trusting the process (and the Spirit), the fear actually morphed from the loss of God into the loss of community and support in my faith.
I found a group of people who had a broader understanding the way I did, but I wanted to live in that space full-time, not once a week or every so often. It is really hard to live in a place where the thing that colors your entire perspective on life (i.e. my faith) is different from the people you see, work with, speak to, and interact with every single day. I wasn't necessarily afraid of being alone in that space, but of being stagnant, I think.
How do you feel about faith/religion now?
It continues to be a critical part of my life. I am currently in the discernment process within my diocese, and asking even harder questions than I did initially. I think once you start the deconstruction process, it may never really stop. It might go dormant for a while, or slip underground, but, at least for me, it persists. It just changes shape. Just before moving from Georgia to New Mexico a couple of years ago, I befriended an Episcopal priest who showed me there actually are other groups who hear God speak the way I do. I am not alone, nor have I ever been. I believe it was the first step in God calling me.
My faith is still changing. Every time I read a scripture, study a passage or read a book completely detached from the faith world, my faith is changing. But, I figure if it isn't growing or shifting or changing, it is dying, so I am willing to put the work in for as long as I can.
If you are a parent, how has your journey impacted your parenting?
I have two children, a 12-year-old boy and a 3-year-old girl. My oldest's father grew up evangelical and found that he actually didn't fit into the faith world at all, and early on in our marriage, he determined was actually an atheist (or, more precisely, a secular humanist).
My husband now didn't grow up in the church at all and has a very open, and non-committal idea of God and faith. So, this led to us being very open with our children. "Daddy believes this way, Mama believes this way." I take my daughter to church (with my husband's blessing), and we pray, and the older she gets, the more we will discuss this world with her.
With our son, when he got to the age of asking questions, his dad was very supportive of being open to him going to church/following God if that was his decision. As his mother, of course, I wanted him to have a certain understanding of faith, but as someone who had to go through the journey I went through, I wanted it to be his choice and I wanted him to discover his own beliefs as they made sense to him. He ultimately determined he did not believe in God, and knowing that he wrestled with that decision. Even as an adolescent, he works hard to follow what feels right. I respect the conclusion he came to. Just like my faith, I don't know if this is where his journey stops or if he will revisit it later, but as for now, it is important for him to follow what feels true to him, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. He is one of the kindest and most precious people I know, so I am not worried about his moral standing in atheism. And I'm not worried about his soul. Both of my kids deserve to have the same freedom to explore this world the same way I did, and I want to create a safe space for them to do so.
Sam, thank you so much for sharing your story. The journey is so different for all of us, and yet the same in so many ways. As you navigate each stage may you continue to find hope and peace.
For the Ears
I actually listen to a LOT of true crime, but it is the stories of the victims and their families that drive me to them. I feel like every person's life is sacred and their stories deserve to be heard, their lives celebrated, and as much as humanly possible, their families deserve to have their pain recognized. Conversely, I love to listen to This American Life because they always find ways to showcase otherwise mundane things (like stories of rats in New York?!). As far as faith goes, I love Faith Adjacent (previously The Bible Binge) and as a longtime listener, it has been great to feel like I have been able to watch the faith of the hosts grow and change alongside my own. They are always a great resource.
For the Eyes
Rachel Held-Evans's book Inspired and Nadia Bolz-Weber's book Shameless. Both of these women gave me permission to ask questions and speak openly about what God was doing in my life, even though it was often scary. I was able to express the trouble I had with the Bible, or long-standing rules within the church, that not only didn't sit well but felt outright harmful and out of line with the God I knew. It was liberating to see that these women I respected and cherished didn't have all the answers, and what's more, they didn't try to have them. They never stopped the journey, and that was kind of the point.
For the Taste Buds
I am vegan, and summer is perfect with all the fresh veg and fruit that is in abundance. However, as a Southerner by birth, I crave pinto beans, cabbage, and cornbread at least once a week.
Favorite cornbread recipe:
Heat oven to 500F (or 525F if oven allows).
Cover the inside of a cast iron skillet (medium) in vegetable shortening or coconut oil.
Prepare vegan "buttermilk" by adding 1 tablespoon vinegar to 3/4 cup soy milk. Stir, and set aside for 5 minutes. (You can use regular buttermilk if not vegan.)
In a bowl, sift/whisk 1 cup White Lily cornmeal mix, 1/4 cup self-rising flour, and 1/4 tsp baking soda.
Add 1/3 cup applesauce (or flax egg, or regular egg if not vegan).
Add two heaping spoonsful of vegetable shortening (or coconut oil). Cut into flour/cornmeal mixture.
Add vegan buttermilk (or regular buttermilk if not vegan). Mix until just incorporated (do not overmix).
Pour into skillet and bake until top is brown and knife comes out clean.
Let sit in the skillet for 1-2 minutes before removing.
To remove: wrap double potholders around the skillet handle, and flip cornbread over onto a plate or cutting board. Slip a knife underneath to prevent the bread from sweating on the bottom.
Dear readers, if you would like to share your journey of religious deconstruction and reconstruction you can fill out this form.
Samantha & Caitlin thank you for this great interview. It's always so lovely to find more kindred folks along the journey. I especially appreciated you sharing how you approach faith with your children💕