Religion has a deep impact on people, for better and worse. Cait and I share a similar name and a similar upbringing in the stay-at-home daughter movement. Her desire to seek healing for herself and others is clear in all her work. I look forward to reading her upcoming memoir.
Thanks for sharing your story Cait.
“Photo by Teri Genovese”
Cait West is a writer and editor based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Her work has been published in The Revealer, Religion Dispatches, Fourth Genre, and Hawai`i Pacific Review, among others. As an advocate and a survivor of the Christian patriarchy movement, she serves on the editorial board for Tears of Eden, a nonprofit providing resources for survivors of spiritual abuse, and cohosts the podcast Survivors Discuss. Her debut memoir, Rift: A Memoir of Breaking Away from Christian Patriarchy, releases on April 30, 2024.
Website: caitwest.com
You can also find her here on Substack
Tell a little about your experience of faith/religion as a child.
Where do I start? I was baptized as a baby in a Presbyterian church and grew up in a very religious family. The older I got, the more legalistic our religion became, and we eventually were caught up in the Christian patriarchy movement, which taught that men were the leaders in all spheres of life and women’s purpose was to be married and have as many children as God gave them. As a child, this meant I was homeschooled, sheltered, and indoctrinated in what I now see as toxic ideas about women. After I turned eighteen, I was kept at home as a “stay-at-home” daughter, not allowed to go to college or get a job as I was supposed to wait for a husband and learn how to keep a household. That was how I lived until I was twenty-five.
What prompted you to change your perspective?
Little things over time, which eventually became big things.
Little things: A few people asked me if this was the lifestyle I wanted for myself, and I’d never been asked if I wanted this. That got me thinking that maybe I did have a choice.
Big things: I had a courtship when I was twenty years old, which my father eventually ended. I was heartbroken because I had tried to follow all the purity rules and had thought I was going to marry this man. But then my father told me I needed to repent for my emotions, and I knew that was impossible, that he was asking something of me that I couldn’t do. That’s when I started to feel the impacts of the emotional and spiritual abuse that I was experiencing.
What was the scariest/hardest part about deconstruction?
For me, deconstructing my religion was almost impossible because any deviance from what I was told to believe would be considered rebellion. In fact, that’s what I was accused of when I started questioning my father’s rules and expressing my desire to live a different kind of life. I was terrified that I would lose my family and everything I had ever known, and in the end, when I left, I felt like I was fracturing my family. But I knew that leaving was a matter of survival for me. I knew I needed to get out.
How do you feel about faith/religion now?
After I left home, I went to a different church for quite a few years. I thought my family’s beliefs had been extreme, and I wanted to hold on to my faith. Over time, I noticed there were problems in my new church that were more subtle. There was abuse that wasn’t dealt with well, and then Christian patriarchy books started showing up in adult Sunday school. I stopped going when the pandemic started, and that led me to reconsider everything. If I had to choose a label for where I am today, it would be “agnostic.” I feel open to uncertainty and wonder about the universe and the meaning of life, but I no longer believe organized religion is for me. I’m still open to spirituality and am very interested in learning about other ways to express it, outside of a high-control environment.
If you are a parent, how has your journey impacted your parenting?
I’m not a parent, but I’ve had to do a lot of reparenting of myself. I did not grow up in a safe environment, so I developed complex PTSD. Caring for my younger self now means I’m learning what it looks like to take care of my physical and mental health, find healthy ways to cope with stress and build a support system that includes trauma-informed therapy. When I sense that my small child self is feeling scared and unsure, I can reassure her that I am safe now. I have choices today that I didn’t when I was younger. I’m learning to let loose more and find fun where I can.
For the Ears
Do you have a podcast or music that is deeply comforting, inspiring, or healing to you in any way?
I’m really loving the music of Nick Drake lately, from the sixties and seventies. His voice and guitar are hauntingly beautiful and sorrowful, coming from a place of struggling with mental illness. It makes me feel less alone when I hear songs that remind me we can find beauty and create art out of difficult experiences.
For the Eyes
Is there a book, movie, or TV show that has impacted your faith journey?
Watching the docuseries The Vow on HBO really impacted me as I was trying to deconstruct the toxic aspects of the religion I’d been given. I recognized the signs of high control and cult-like manipulation in my own experience, even though my high-demand community was very different from NXIVM. That series and others like it inspired me to dig deeper into what I’d been taught and why, learning how I’d been abused and controlled for so long. Others telling their stories has given me the courage to tell my own.
For the Taste Buds
What food or drink is your go-to right now?
I like a good strong black tea in the mornings when I start my workday. Right now, it’s Twinings Blackcurrant Breeze, with just a splash of milk.
Thanks for sharing Cait. Twinings is a top-tier tea company, my favorite is Irish breakfast tea.
Dear readers, if you would like to share your journey of religious deconstruction and reconstruction you can fill out this form.
This was really interesting, Caitlyn. And thank you to Cait for sharing.
You and Cait are both brave to share her story. It will resonate and validate many, even if their experience is not as extreme as hers was. I have long felt that if God is all we Christians say we believe, he/she will honor our honest doubting, searching, and seeking.