As someone who grew up in all the church things all the time, I find stories of those who came to Christianity later fascinating. I also forget that I have learned so much by osmosis that I forget it is brand-new information to others.
The journey of faith is much like snowflakes, the same six points exist for every snowflake, yet there is incredible uniqueness and variance to each snowflake.
Serena Menken writes books and articles that capture the unique moments of gut-wrenching pain and heartfelt joy experienced by parents of teens with mental health concerns. She counts each day of her three decades of recovery from bulimia as a gift. However, nurturing her oldest daughter through a similar disorder proved to be even more challenging and ultimately rewarding. When she’s not writing, Serena works full-time as a nonprofit leader, enjoys her three teenage children, and bikes through forest preserves with her husband.
I'm at www.serenamenken.com and www.serenamenken.substack.com
Tell a little about your experience of faith/religion as a child.
I grew up in an agnostic home where we didn't talk about God and we never went to church. Rarely - my mom grew up Unitarian so she took us to a Unitarian church a couple of times when we were in elementary school, but we complained enough to persuade her to stop. I also visited a Catholic church a few times with one friend and a Jewish synagogue with another, but I felt like an outsider in both. For some reason, I believed in God anyway and prayed occasionally. I always longed to know God and I was an imaginative kid, so even though no one told me about God in a faith community, I could believe. But as a teenager, I developed an intense dislike for born-again Christians (ironically) and vowed never to become one.
What prompted you to change your perspective?
Adolescence was tough for me. I struggled with depression, loneliness, and bulimia for about six years. Friendships were rocky and I tried to find meaning and connection in a lot of places that proved to be dead-ends. Even the happy moments were short-lived. In the midst of it all, my parents divorced, which also rocked my world. My sister had become a Jesus-follower through a youth group that didn't fit the stereotypes. I thought Christians were boring, arrogant, intolerant, and annoying. My sister's new community was the opposite, full of people who sang pop songs at the top of their lungs and rode zip lines at camp, who smiled at me even though I wasn't part of the popular crowd, who seemed more down-to-earth than other kids and who showed up for my sister in the hardest moments. It was the only place I had been where kids laughed so hard they cried, without being drunk. But more importantly, they talked about having a relationship with a God, one where I could voice all my doubts and questions without fear. They talked about a love relationship with God that would be a great adventure, rather than a religion full of rules.
At eighteen, I gave my life to Christ and it's always been about love and grace. Ironically, I notice that having the opportunity to define my relationship with God from the beginning, rather than growing up in a community that taught me about God, has brought freedom and lightness. There's no pressure to live up to my parents' or others' expectations about how I live as a Christian (my parents are not thrilled with my choice anyway). In the end, this is about me and God. I also found healing for my mental health challenges in a Twelve Step community, which is highly oriented around trusting a higher power with your life. That's been a helpful counterpart - I don't just believe in God but I depend on God for my recovery. Prayer and meditation are essential practices for me.
What was the scariest/hardest part about deconstruction?
I wouldn't say I am deconstructing my faith. My faith has evolved to keep growing and changing. One of the hardest issues for me is how many Christian leaders, even ones whose sermons and books have inspired me, have fallen from grace. Finding out that those pastors lived a secret double life has been devastating. It's also been painful to watch how religion and politics have become more intertwined in the past eight years, especially as American society has become more polarized. I've had to do more soul-searching in asking myself how people who love the same God as me could act in ways that I deeply disagree with. But I'm grateful that I still feel close to God, even in those discouraging moments, and I have an amazing, loving church community that feels like home.
How do you feel about faith/religion now?
My faith in God is my foundation. I love Jesus and rely on His love for me. I primarily encounter God in solitude, as I pray, journal, read Scripture and other books, and walk in the woods or by the beach. But I also know God through my church community, especially in smaller groups where we can share and pray. Sometimes I meet God by serving others; volunteering with kids at church gives me unexpected moments of seeing God.
My church community is one of the most diverse spaces I know; we speak many languages, come from many countries, and bring diverse experiences. I can't imagine feeling satisfied in a church where everyone looks like me. I believe we need a diverse community to reflect the beauty and diversity of God. My church is relaxed and contemporary but sometimes I love to visit a church with hymnals and written prayers that have been passed down for centuries.
If you are a parent, how has your journey impacted your parenting?
I could write a book about this topic! Overall, I have tried to teach my three children about the love of God, first and foremost, in ways that are inviting and full of grace. I want them to know that God is approachable, loving, and welcoming, regardless of what they have done or haven't done. I want them to create their own relationships with God with the same freedom that I've had. One important part of my parenting story is that I've walked with my teenage daughter through her own mental health challenges for the past few years. I've wrestled with God deeply about why she has had to go through similar struggles to mine and why healing has felt so hard and slow and where God has been in this. The process has caused her to question God herself. Navigating this path has been one of the hardest things I've ever done; sometimes I have experienced God's closeness in it and sometimes God has seemed absent.
I've had to do more soul-searching in asking myself how people who love the same God as me could act in ways that I deeply disagree with.
For the Ears
I have a playlist on my website! www.serenamenken.com
For the Eyes
Is there a book, movie, or TV show that has impacted your faith journey?
The Divine Hours by Phyllis Tickle is a prayer book (actually there are 3 volumes to encompass the whole year) which includes prayers rooted in the Christian biblical tradition specified for certain times of the day. I love her books because they offer prayers that help me feel rooted in God, in just a few minutes. I try to pray the hours in the morning and before bed.
For the Taste Buds
What food or drink is your go-to right now?
My daughter bakes amazing gluten-free challah!
May this week bring peace to your senses and your soul.
Dear readers, if you would like to share your journey of religious deconstruction and reconstruction you can fill out this form.
So interesting to hear Serene’s story! What hope there is here!
Thanks Caitlin! You captured my story so beautifully here! I'm honored that you shared it with your community. Grateful for how you're sharing so many faith journeys here.