Just because I am female does not mean I understand my daughters. For one thing, they are living a different life than I did. For another thing, my daughter Saoirse has a distinct personality from mine. We have some traits in common, but there is so much about her that is different from me. She is a full-blown extrovert who plans on being “the most teenagery-teen” and, at 12 years old, has more self-confidence than I ever had.
That self-confidence has taken a hit in the past few years with the unfolding of mean girls. We spend a lot of time unpacking different friendship situations. She attends a small rural school, and many kids have been in class together since kindergarten. Sometimes, people leave, and new folks come in, which can shake things up. Saoirse is the type of person who wants to make the circle bigger, while many girls are separating into cliques.
This conversation, which she gave me full permission to share, is about some of the challenges and vulnerabilities of middle school. I hope it helps other parents of middle school girls.
*names have been changed for privacy.
MOM: Are you okay with talking about friendships? The last few years have been a roller coaster.
SAOIRSE: Yeah
MOM: So, you are quite the extrovert who loves having friends and hanging out with them. What has been the hardest part about friendships over the past few years?
SAOIRSE: The hardest part has been when one girl hooks on to one mean girl in the class, it gets them hooked on being mean. I feel like I don’t know if its gonna happen more. this year has been okay so far, but I feel Anne* is going to take my friends away.
MOM: Why do you feel like she will do that?
SAOIRSE: Ever since she came to the school all its been is drama, drama, drama. It feels like there is a reason she is doing this. I don’t know if anything is happening at home or some other reason, but shes’ been like this for a while.
MOM: What about your other friends? When its been rocky with them?
SAOIRSE: When its been rocky, in fourth grade, Anne did get all of my friends hooked on to targeting me and she told rumors and my friends believed that. So for a while there we were talking or hanging out. But in fifth grade we figured out Anne was lying and that improved some things. They are still a little pushy and mean. I tell them I don’t like it and they just don’t listen to me, which I find really hard.
MOM: Do you have friends who aren’t this way?
SAOIRSE: I do, Taylor and Lena, who are just always there whenever I need them. But one of my friends, Allison, does not like Lena and does not want me to like certain people.
MOM: So why do you choose to be friends with Allison and some of the others?
SAOIRSE: Well, I choose to be friends with them because there are points when they can be super nice and points where they can be pushy and mean and I just feel like if I am not friends with them they will again target me.
MOM: Why does that matter so much to you?
SAOIRSE: I just don’t want things to be like that again like it was in 4th grade. Which was probably the hardest year to have to think about.
MOM: Why don’t you hang out with the positive friends?
SAOIRSE: I try but Allison just pulls me away. I feel like she could be nicer but she pulls (literally) this way or that way. Sometimes when they say my name, and I don’t hear, they say “Your blind, your deaf” and I say if you say that one more time I am going to tell the teacher.
MOM: Do you tell the teacher?
SAOIRSE:I do, and then my friends get mad at me. Friendships are just getting harder and harder to stay together.
MOM: What choices do you think you could be making to improve your friendships?
SAOIRSE: I feel sometimes I just need to say that I want to go hang out with another person. Then they will get mad at me and say that person will be mean and you’ll be alone.
MOM: Is being alone scary for you?
SAOIRSE: No, what I meant is that they say I am going to be alone.
MOM: And that bothers you?
SAOIRSE: Yeah, sometimes because I don’t want anyone to be lonely, and I don’t want to be lonely.
MOM: What about outside of school?
SAOIRSE: Oh yeah, those friends are better.
MOM: Why do you think that is?
SAOIRSE: Well, I don’t see them as much, and so when I do see them, I feel like we want to spend all the time catching up and having fun rather than just arguing about something.
MOM: What helps you feel better when you have a hard day with friends?
SAOIRSE: Kind of just coming home and talking to you and leaving the whole day behind.
MOM: I know that you care deeply about your friends, and it really hurts when they don’t seem to care about you. When people show they don’t care about you, why do you keep trying to be friends?
SAOIRSE: Well, I feel like I should try because if I don’t I feel like they will target me.
MOM: Isn’t that bullying?
SAOIRSE: I wouldn’t call it bullying, I think its just not being nice.
MOM: Well, I think it's bullying, and you shouldn’t put up with it, but you know that already.
SAOIRSE: Yeah.
MOM: So, what do want me to say to you when these things happen?
SAOIRSE: Say, if you need to come talk to me and let me know if you need anything.
MOM: Are there some good things happening in 6th grade?
SAOIRSE: Yeah, like getting to turn 12, figuring out what the school year is going to look like.
MOM: Can you tell me about some of the classes you like?
SAOIRSE: I like science A LOT, its my favorite class. Umm, I also like creative writing, and I don’t really know about other stuff.
MOM: You have been reading A Series of Unfortunate Events. Does is help you in any way?
SAOIRSE: Umm, when I read it, I feel like I can block out all of the other noises and problems and just focus on what I am reading.
MOM: Do you have any advice about friendships you want to share?
SAOIRSE: Just make sure that you find a kind person and if you still want to friends with them even when they are kind of mean, try to find the good in them and see why they do this.
THE END
For the Ears
If you are ready for spooky vibes here is a fascinating song, both for the message and the style.
For the Eyes
A Series of Unfortunate Events has a death grip on my daughter right now. Both the books and the Netflix show. Both the books and shows are excellent for perspective and vocabulary. One of the ways that we as humans learn is through story, and by following the unfortunate lives of the Baudelaire children, Saoirse is absorbing lessons about overcoming problems, building resilience, empathy for people in hard circumstances and even some ways to creatively cope with bullies.
For the Taste Buds
This girl loves a caramel frappuccino or latte, particularly from Starbucks.
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Another amazing conversation with one of your kids. What a tribute to you as a Mom that they will talk with you openly like this. And your daughter's thinking through of these unpleasant teenage social interaction issues in this day and age is amazingly forthright and perceptive. It makes me wince to realize how hard this all is nowadays, and I can't for the life of me figure out why this is the way it is. Thanks for this contribution!